


You got scars, I got scars too

by sightandsound3733



Series: Revolu-zoo-nary [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Animal Death, M/M, Reconciliation, blood warning, greiving, relationship troubles, zoo au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-06-02 04:05:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6550003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sightandsound3733/pseuds/sightandsound3733
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John's had the worst day ever. </p><p>And it's just not getting any better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_ In 1, 2, 3… out 1, 2, 3… in… out… _

John is trying very hard to keep his cool. 

There had been too many hours in the day, and they had gone far too slowly and shittily and all he wanted was a drink with his friends, and to go home so he could curl into the world’s smallest ball, try to wish the world away. 

At every corner it had been something else going wrong, whether that be jamming his foot against the dresser in a sleepy daze, so hard he swears he felt the impact jarr up through his hip Christ alive that fucking hurt, or arriving just late enough to work that he was faced with a frown and a “i’m not mad i’m dissapointed in you” stare from Dr. Franklin. For such a jovial old man, the senior marine biologist packed a wicked punch of guilt in a gaze when he wanted to.

It just kept going, and going and going until it was all he could do not to punch a hole in a wall or cry from frustration. Both might’ve been nice. 

It all came to a terrible head when right before he was packing up to leave, to meet up with Alex and the others and just put the day behind him, one of the interns had put a stop to all that and had come skidding around the corner. The kid was breathless and panicked,  _ Dr. Laurens! I-I need help-- _ , he’s babbling about something wrong with one of the dolphins, and John sets off running before he even finishes.

The dolphin in question was one of their youngest cows, a beautiful girl lovingly named Peony, who had recently given birth to a beautiful healthy calf successfully, but who was now bleeding out unexpectedly. It’s a haze of panic and worry and John’s crying because there’s  _ nothing _ he can fucking do for her, and she’s  _ dying _ , high pitched whines and cries echoing around him while she struggles in the isolated tank she’d been recuperating in after the birth. 

The intern hovers anxiously while he cries, half submerged in the water with her, the water a filmy red. The kid looks sick, and John shoos him away, tells him to put the call through the proper channels, to leave him alone. She’s gone under his touch, before he can do anything to soothe her, and the way she just goes still so suddenly makes John’s heart lurch and his stomach curdle.

He’s late, he hadn’t had time to let anyone know he’d be late, and that’s going to bite him in the ass, but he doesn’t care. Can’t care. There’s blood on his hands, staining the sleeves of the shirt he hadn’t bothered to take off a diluted pink, and it’s sunk under his nail beds-- John is going to be sick. 

Swallows it back, pressed on, removes her from the tank with gentle care. He owes the poor girl that much, since he couldn’t save her life. 

He stumbles into a locker room shower, forces the water to burn hot as it can and lets it pelt hard and unforgiving on his back until he’s gasping, new tears prickling at sore eyes, washing out the grief for the moment with bodily pain instead of emotional. 

Dr. Franklin finds him with dripping wet curls down pulled back tight against his head and he’s pulled himself together just as tense and tight, enough to hurt all over.  _ Go home _ , he’s told.  _ Go home Laurens, there was nothing you could have done. You were there for her, that’s what matters.  _

John nods, he must, or he says something convincing enough, because Franklin is gone and he’s left staring at his nails. There’s still blood under some and he curls his hands into tight fists just so he doesn’t have to look at them. 

His phone says he’s got a stream of missed calls and texts, most from Alexander, all asking where he was, if he was coming out or not, why wasn’t he answering, John hello?! John closes his eyes, he doesn’t want to go out, he wants to go home. Considers saying as much to Alex… whose texts have gotten progressively more annoyed the longer they’ve gone unanswered and shit. With a sigh he shoots of a quick text,  _ omw srry, dr.f needed me _ , and he leaves it at that. 

It would be easy to tell them what happened, but the words won’t come and he can’t quite force them. 

Nearly an hour late John pulls himself into the bar, heads directly for the booth they claim for their own. There’s a call of his name from the bartender, a cheerful smile and a question of if he wants the regular. John manages a wave and a tilt of his lips in an imitation of a smile before he’s sitting down next to Alexander on the bench. 

Lafayette and Hercules greet him warmly, Alex pecks his cheek as a hello, but otherwise doesn’t engage, barely even looks at John. Sourness pokes hot and sharp in his belly, and he tries to drown that out with a long draught from the frosty pint that’s swiftly set in front of him. Fucking great, he’d pissed off Alex and that was just-- great.

The whirl of conversation is quick and rabbit paced and he’s barely following. Hercules notices first that he’s not quite all there, John tries to brush it away with a smile, just for the moment. Is it relief that washes over him when Herc seems to let it go with a sweep of his gaze, brushing it all under the rug so easily? He doesn’t know, but it’s a swoop of something that almost leaves him dizzy from how quick it settles. 

John bites on his lower lip and risks reaching out to thread his fingers with Alexander’s under the table. He needs the contact right now, but he can’t vocalize it, can’t apologize enough for everything. Relief grows warm and floods through him like a storm when Alexander not only allows the contact, but gives his hand a squeeze. 

It’s easier to talk with Alex’s hand in his, with his lover’s comforting touch being the only one that matters. Lafayette laughs, cackles at a quiet joke that passes his lips, and the tension eases. He was fine, he was absolutely and completely fine. Alexander was at his side, he loved him, his friends were happy, they were all together. He was fine.

“Well well, look what the cat dragged in.”

Fuck.

John resists the urge to just close his eyes and lower his head to the table. There could not be an absolute worse time for Thomas Jefferson to rear his head into the picture of what was already a spectacularly shit day. 

Alexander goes tense at his side and John can physically see the seething hate settle over his boyfriend’s shoulders like a shroud. Alex’s fingers slip from his own, settling on the table as disdain curls at his lips. John tries not to be disappointed. 

“Get out of here, Jefferson,” Alexander snaps, hackles raised. “No one needs your bullshit today.”

“Feisty,” Jefferson smirks, leaning oh so casually against the side of the booth. Hercules rolls his eyes, Lafayette looks up and greets his friend with a small smile, one he gets in return. John lets his fingers curl together in his lap. “Barely even say hello and you’re getting the claws out.” 

“Because I hate you,” Alexander rolls his eyes. “Everyone hates you. Except Lafayette, and I still think we need to get his head checked ‘cause of that.” Lafayette doesn’t engage, merely takes a drink from his glass and tries to let the tension between his friends go unnoticed. 

“Man you two gotta do this now?” Herc grumbles, arms crossing over his chest. John just sighs, tired. He wishes he was up for a fight, wishes he could feel the burn in his veins. Would be one just the distraction he needed. Tonight though… he just couldn’t. 

It never took much from Jefferson or Alexander to get the either riled up on a good day, they were pretty much always at each other’s throats.There was a running joke among their friends and the general staff that Alex and Thomas hated each other on principle because of the animals they worked with, cats and birds had never been friends after all. But the bad blood ran much deeper than that. 

“You know,” Jefferson drawls, southern twang out in full force, and that meant he’d been drinking whiskey. So not only was tonight ‘deal with Jefferson bullshit’ it was also ‘deal with tipsy Jefferson’. Fun. “I wasn’t coming over to start shit, Hamilton, really wasn’t.”

“You always start shit,” Alex sneers, lip curling unattractively. John blinks away that thought. He can’t let his feelings manifest against Alex just because he’s having a bad day. “Not hard, you’re a sack of shit after all. What do you want?”

“Alex, come on,” John interjects, too soft to be heard. He doesn’t want to do this right now, he’s not in the mood for a fight. Alexander doesn’t notice, or maybe he doesn’t care. Either way, the dismissal of his attention stings. 

“Listen to your boy toy,” Jefferson laughs, the sound cruel and sharp. “Calm down, Hamilton, I just wanted to hear if you heard about the re-budgeting.” Hercules sucks in a breath and oh. Oh that can’t be good. 

“Thomas that is the definition of trying to start things,” Lafayette sighs shaking his head. “Please don’t, mon ami.” John frowns and looks between them all. Alexander’s gone red in the face, his fists curled tight and angry on the table top. He’s almost vibrating with rage.

“What am I missing?” John asks slowly, almost afraid to ask. 

“They’re moving funding around,” Hercules supplies with a sigh. “There’s a memo out about it to the areas of the park that could be affected. Top two under threat of losing funding are the aviary and the big cats.”

John immediately looks to Alexander, surprised. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It didn’t concern you,” Alexander doesn’t even look at him, eyes cut to Jefferson and an edge in his voice. John frowns and looks away. 

“I think what Alexander means is that since the marina wasn’t on the list-” Lafayette tries to soothe, having caught the flicker of hurt in John’s eyes that Alexander missed ( _ disregarded _ , some nasty little voice in his head supplies.  _ He saw it, he doesn’t care _ ). John takes a deep pull of his drink to drown the voice. 

“You really think they’re gonna fund your stupid bird shows over my exhibits you’re insane, Jefferson,” Alex snaps, rising to his feet, fists boring into the table. The flash in Jefferson’s eyes is dangerous and sharp at that. 

“You and that mange infested collection of rescues are hardly worth anyone’s time,” Jefferson leans on the table now, gets in Alexander’s space and John tries not to shirk back from his spot between them. Not like he can go far. 

“We’re a zoo built on rescues,” Alex spits, pounding his fist on the table for emphasis. “Including your rats with wings!”

And so it continued. John closes his eyes and tries his hardest to stay calm and collected. This was the absolute last way he wanted to spend the night. He wanted to go home, wrap himself in Alexander’s arms and swallow back the choke of tears he could feel even now, hours after having left the aquarium and the blood in the tanks. 

Jefferson and Alexander’s voices trade in barbed quips, getting more and more heated as time goes on. Sighs from Hercules punctured the conversation, went unnoticed, sounded uninterested, and Lafayette was strangely quiet. John pinches the bridge of his nose, tries to stave off a headache, the urge to down something stronger than beer, tries to breathe deep ( _ in 1,2,3, out 1,2,3 _ ) and that almost works, almost calms him, when Alex gives a sudden loud squawk at Jefferson’s insults and makes an abrupt move closer to the taller man, slamming himself up against John’s side in the process. 

The movement isn’t much, but it’s startling enough that John can’t quite anticipate the way it knocks him back in the booth, can’t quite prepare himself for the sharp way his head cracks against the wood behind him because of it. 

Stars bloom behind his eyes and that’s the last straw. The cherry on top of his terrible fucking day, the ache in his chest punctuated by a throb in his head. His friends are talking all at once, asking if he’s okay, damn that was loud shit John, did he need some ice. Alexander’s hands flutter at his shoulder, anxious and apologetic and Jefferson’s laugh is sharp in the background. 

And John doesn’t care about any of it. 

Without a single word he pushes himself out of the booth and to his feet, shoves past Jefferson with enough force to send the man stumbling and works his way out of the bar. There’s a fair enough crowd, a mix of regulars and nobodies and he doesn’t care, doesn’t care, he needs to get out. His head gives a poignant throb of pain as he gets to the door and throws himself outside. 

The wash of cool nighttime air is insanely refreshing, and for a moment he can breathe easy. 

Alexander didn’t mean to knock into him, probably didn’t realize he’d gotten that close in the moment, too focused on getting leverage on Jefferson. John didn’t blame him, he really didn’t. But fuck if it didn’t sting to think that he had slipped his Alexander’s mind so easily. 

“John!” He sucks in a breath, too fast, too deep when he hears the door to the bar open behind him. The sound of music and chatter flares from the inside for a moment before it’s shut again. Alexander sets himself next to John on the sidewalk, reaches for his shoulder. “Hey, why’d you get up and leave like that?” His eyes flicker worriedly over him. “Is your head okay?”

“Needed some air. I’m fine,” John tries to flash a smile, but it must come off weak, because Alexander was staring at him with his brow furrowed, his dark eyes critical. “Alex seriously, go back inside I’m-”

“You’ve been weird all night,” Alexander cuts him off sharply, frowning deeply. He pulls on John’s shoulder, makes him turn to face him head on. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” John tries to insist while ignoring the nasty voice again  _ oh so he did notice. funny. wasn’t sure he knew what it looked like when you’re upset. _ Alexander stares at him and he’s not buying it, actually looks hurt that John’s not spilling the truth. Doesn’t he understand that the words won’t come? “Seriously, Alex, I promise it’s nothing.”

“So now we’re just lying to each other?” Alexander crosses his arms over his chest, suddenly on the defensive. “Is that it?”

“What?” It’s John’s turn to frown. “What are you talking about?”

“First you show up over an hour late, after not answering your phone mind you, and now you’re lying to me, telling me things are fine?” Alexander has his hackles raised, his shoulders tense. “What the fuck, John?” John lets his eyes sweep over him and he’s so fucking confused. Where was this coming from?

“I’m sorry I was late… I needed to take care of things in the aquarium, I couldn’t just leave,” John frowns, tries to swallow back his own defenses. All he wanted was to go home... “Alex, you of all people aren’t allowed to get snippy because I got held up at work.” The words fall from his lips before he can stop them and he knows, he fucking knows the reaction it’s gonna spark. Alexander goes tight all over, his eyes flash and narrow, yeah there it was. Fuck.

“You didn’t call,” Alexander snaps, completely on the defensive. “I always fucking call. And then you got here and didn’t even say anything!”

“Do you really want to do this right now?” John asks, frowning at him. He glances around, they were alone, for the moment, but they were completely exposed, standing on the street in front of the bar. Alexander makes a scathing noise that stabs John somewhere in the ribs. That’s the noise he makes at Burr when the other man is being particularly annoying. 

_ See? He’s annoyed by you. He doesn’t care, doesn’t even know you’re this upset. _ Stupid fucking little voice was getting louder, harder to ignore. John takes a deep breath, lets the cold pierce his lungs, hopes it’ll grant him the clarity he so desperately needs to cling to. 

“Might as well, we’re already here,” Alex regards him warily and John swallows back a scream of frustration. He couldn’t handle this. Why couldn’t Alexander see that he wasn’t okay? Was that so much to ask? To want his boyfriend, the person who knows him best in the world to see that he just couldn’t handle this right now? It bothered him more than it should, but Alex standing here trying to pick a fight was doing  _ nothing _ to help. 

“Alexander,” John is clinging to the last shreds of his calm, angry frustration battling for dominance with crushing sadness within him. His voice wavers, just barely, imperceptible, and he tries to swallow it back. It goes down rough around the lump in his throat. “Please. I’m asking you to let it go right now. For me. We can talk about it at home, let’s just go home, please.” He’s begging, pleading, hoping Alexander will listen. 

“What if I don’t want to talk about it at home?” The question, the crack of his voice, hits John like a whip and that’s  _ it _ . 

“Do you think I care what you want right now?” John snaps, patience long gone, frustration and anger, fuck he’s angry, overwhelming all else. It certainly surprised Alex, he can see it in his eyes as they widen just a bit. The surprise quickly melts away, is replaced by indignant annoyance. Another flare of hurt in his belly makes John want to turn tail and run but no, this was the sour cherry to top off his day and the words were coming before he could stop them.

“Real nice, John,” Alexander scoffs, actually scoffs and John wants to hit him. Wants to smack the remnants of the sound off his lips. His fists clench tight instead, his shoulders hackled high. “You really know how to make a guy feel loved.”

  
“Like you’re any fucking better,”John glares to stop the burn of tears. “You barely looked at me when I got here tonight!”

“You didn’t call-”

“You didn’t even ask why I was late!” John’s on the cusp of yelling now, too loud for public, and he’s too tired to care. “Not a single fucking question about where I was or why I hadn’t picked up my phone. All you did was assume it was because I was careless or whatever the fuck you thought, when you know, you goddamn know I wouldn’t have been late like this without a damn good fucking reason!”

“What’s the reason then?” Alexander demands, eyes bright with his own anger. He’s risen and responded to everything John is giving him and he’s ready to return it tenfold. As always. It only makes him madder. “Enlighten me, John.”

Again the words halt in his throat, he can’t work around his guilt and shame and grief, can’t tell him that he lost one of the beautiful creatures he’s charged to take care of and protect, can’t admit aloud that he’s a failure and a disgrace. Can’t tell his fiery Alexander, who’s been through hell and back more times than he can count, that he’s too weak to keep himself together and that he’s unraveling, barely strung together in the dull wash of the streetlights before them.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the budget cuts?” John asks instead, because those are the words available to him at the moment. Alexander winds himself tighter, his arms crossing defensively over his chest. 

“It wasn’t your business,” he drops his gaze for the moment. John heaves a sigh and that brings dark eyes back to his own. “It wasn’t! Don’t look at me like that, your department isn’t gonna be affected, it’s not your problem John!”

“I’m your boyfriend,” John reminds him, reaching for Alexander’s hand. He half expects the other man to pull away, but Alexander just lets the contact happen, let’s John uncurl his fingers even in his anger. “Your partner. It may not affect me, but it affects you and that’s what matters. I want to help, Alex!”

“What could you have done?” Alex’s frown deepens. “Unless you’re going to be the one to convince George and Martha that-”

“Even if I can’t do anything I can still be there for you! Why-” John tightens his grip on Alexander’s hand, a reflex. “Why won’t you let me in?”

“Don’t get dramatic,” Alexander rolls his eyes, yanks his hand from John’s grasp now. “Christ, you act like I’m icing you out or something. Okay, so I didn’t tell you about something that absolutely will not affect you in any way and now you’re trying to use that as a distraction from the fact that you’re being an ass! There is nothing comparable between the two situations. I don’t even know why you brought it up.”

“You still don’t get it,” John shakes his head, anger bubbling again, arms winding over his chest. “After all these years together you still don’t get it Alex. I’m here for you! I love you! We’re supposed to share this kind of shit with each other.”

“You’re not in a place to lecture me right now, Laurens,” Alexander’s eyes narrow sharply. “Get off your sanctimonious bullshit and practice what you preach if you want me to listen.” He shakes his head. “Fuck, if you had just told me what was wrong…”

It’s the use of his surname that truly stops him, fizzles the burn of his anger in an instant and John feels as though he’s falling back a step, even before the rest of Alexander’s words hit him. The fight leaves his body as quickly as it’s come and he’s tired. He’s so so tired and his Alexander is still blind to it.

“I’m not doing this,” John shakes his head, steps back, hands falling limp at his sides. “I’m-- Go fight with Jefferson or something. I’m not doing this Alexander.”

“Oh I’m sorry, is this not what you want right now?” Alexander mocks him, still being cruel, still hasn’t seen what’s right in front of him. And that’s hurts more than his words, surges over him like a full body ache. He bites at the inside of his cheek. 

“I’m going home,” John swallows past the lump in his throat, it’s gotten larger as the night progresses, a hot mix of shame and anger and frustration. He just needed to go. “I’m not gonna stand here and fight with you Alex, I-- We’ll talk later okay?”

“Whatever,” Alexander rolls his eyes and he turns sharply on his heel, heading back to the car. “Do whatever you want. I don’t fucking care.” The door flies open and Alexander disappears inside. 

“Yeah,” John mutters to himself, the little voice from his head coating his tongue with bitterness. “I noticed.” He swallows it back, practically chokes on it as he forces himself to move. The air is no longer refreshing, it’s just cold, unforgiving. It seeps through his clothes and fills John with a chill that numbs him inside and out.

That numbness weighs heavy over him as he gets in his car to make his way home, almost cracks when he realizes that he’s driving to Alexander’s apartment, what was soon to officially be his too (but not yet). That was home. _Alexander_ was home. John wanted so desperately to park the car, go upstairs and wait for Alex to come home. He wouldn’t be long, would have had his mood too soured by the fight and by Jefferson to want to stay out much longer. He’d come home and they’d ignore each other until someone caved (it’d be John, fuck, he knows it), and then they’d come together, with words, hearts and souls combining once more and it would be good again. So good. John wants it. But.

He keeps driving. 

John chokes on the lump in his throat as he pulls into the parking garage of his apartment complex alone for the first time in weeks. It was rare that he was ever here anymore, let alone here without Alexander at his side. With only a few weeks left until his lease ran out, and them all but moved in together there was no point in making the trip between both places. 

He moves on autopilot, pulling into a spot and dragging himself up the stairs. He was tired, so very tired, and all he wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep what little was left to this terrible day away. 

The door to the apartment swings open with a neglected creak, and John is greeted by the heavy sense of must inside his apartment. He wrinkles his nose, but doesn’t hesitate to enter.  John skirts his way through scattered boxes packed full of his things, patiently waiting until he and Alex had time to actually move them all home. John sighs at the sight of them and lets the door click shut behind him. If he were the more dramatic sort he’d probably be wondering if that move was ever gonna happen after their fight… but no. 

This was a shitty fight, and it sucked, but it wasn’t breakup worthy. He was just hurt, Alex was frustrated ( _and annoyed, can’t forget that_ , shitty voice reminded him) but they’d be fine. John loved that man more than words could express. It just made the hurt sting all the more. 

John stops his path through the maze of boxes, halfway between the door and the bedroom, and he just- just lets himself take it in. The last thing he wanted to do was wade through the packed away pieces of life before Alex, to sleep alone in a bed he would usually share with the one he loved more than anything in the world and it was just-

He sits down, shaky, finding an unsteady seat atop one taped up box and lets go. The tears come easy, hot as they stream over his cheeks. John sinks into the whirl of emotions that have been ripping his insides to ribbons all night and he’s crying with grief for Peony, regret and frustration for his fight with Alex and he’s crying for himself because God he can’t believe he’s this much of a fucking mess. 

John sinks his fingers into his hair, pulls it roughly from the ponytail and just curls in on himself on the box in the middle of his half packed living room, and tries to count.

_ In 1, 2, 3… out 1, 2, 3…  _

_...in… out… _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander gets some light shed on the night before.

Alexander woke to the piercing sound of his alarm, and a cold, empty bed. 

Alone.

...Why was he alone? 

Alexander pushes up on his arms and frowns, blearily looking around the room. Was John already up, puttering around the kitchen? There’s a dull ache throbbing gently at his temples, a steady thrum that offsets the rhythm of his heartbeat, not quite a hangover, but a definite reminder of the night before. Shit he really should have drank some water after getting home last night. 

Last night...

A flurry of snapshot images hit all at once. Frowning at his phone, unanswered messages, bubbling hot annoyance, anger, frustration. The way John’s brow scrunched together when he frowned, his skin washed in pale moonlight, the downturn of his lips, clearly upset, clearly not even attempting to listen to what Alexander was trying to say...

John said he’d be going home, asked that they’d talk later… but John hadn’t been in bed when Alex walked through the door. Hadn’t shown up at all that night. 

Which meant that he’d gone back to his own apartment. And _ shit  _ did that sting. 

Alexander cards a hand through his hair, rough enough that when he catches on a tangle it hurts like a bitch, earns a sharper spiking of a throb that spreads behind his eyes, and throws himself out of bed. No use to dwell on how cool the sheets were when they were missing John’s body heat, how the actual pillows were much less comfortable than the warm plane of his boyfriend’s chest. 

All of that didn’t matter right now. Because John chose not to come home last night. 

It’s with that thought burning bitterly in his mind that Alexander starts his day. He showers, gets dressed, stumbles through making coffee and something to eat on the go during his morning commute. 

Out of habit he grabs a banana from the bowl on the counter, stashes it in his bag to throw at John when he got to work. They often had different morning schedules, different things they needed to do for their separate departments and different timetables on which to do it on so one of them stumbling out of the house before the other without breakfast was more normal than them actually getting to carpool to work together. To grab something for his boyfriend is so instinctual an action that it takes him a minute or two before he remembers that he’s annoyed with John. 

He hesitates… but doesn’t take the banana out the bag. 

Alexander drinks his coffee too quickly, it burns going down, and stumbles into his car just a tad too close to almost being off schedule, forcing himself going before he can really allow thoughts about the night before to break into his focus. It would do no good to seethe about it any longer. Wouldn’t matter anyway. Not like John even seemed to care how  _ he’d _ been feeling the night before… he’d been dismissed at every turn.

_ Does it really seem like I give a fuck about what you want right now? _ Those words, John’s words, so sudden and unexpected run so clearly through his mind it’s like playing back an audio track. Alexander sucks in a deep, steadying breath. 

Distanced from it now, he knows there was really  was something up with John, hell he’d known something had to be up even before Jefferson had shown up and made it worse. He was just too annoyed to address it at the time. But later, after he’d hit his head and stormed out Alexander had pushed aside his own feelings in favor or John’s, had pressed and asked and he’d been outright rebuked and still in the end he was the bad guy? John was the one that wouldn’t vocalize what was wrong, had dodged the question or denied it at every turn and then accused _ him _ of not caring? Fuck that. 

Fuck. That.

Alexander shakes his head, flexing his fingers around the steering wheel and swallows it all back. He and John would find time to talk today at some point. Probably not during work hours, they both had too much to do and to try and hash out whatever the night before had been while they had to be professional. 

With little incident Alexander finds himself pulling into the secluded employee lot at the back of the zoo just about five minutes later than he usually liked to be. He can’t help the way his eyes skim the parking lot for John’s car, nor can he stop the way something settles in his chest when he finds it, several spaces closer to the front. John must have been here really early...

“Stop it, Hamilton,” he mutters to himself, grabbing his bag from the back of the car. “Fucking focus. John can wait.” Alexander can’t believe those words even fell from his lips, but they were true right now. Had to be. 

He shakes his head, shoulders his bag and takes a deep breath before he heads inside, needing to get settled for the day. The email about funding had gone out the morning before and Alexander couldn’t waste any time in preparing the exhibits under his care to prove he was worth keeping his current funding for.  

First things first, paperwork. 

Alexander swipes in with his ID card, mutters a quiet good morning to Tilghman at the security checkpoint and slips into the office so he could pick up the documents Martha had told him about the day before. She probably shouldn’t have gone out of her way to make him full copies of the budget plan and all the literature on it, not unless she was going to do the same for Jefferson, but hey, Alex wasn’t complaining. The boss lady was rooting for him and Alexander was sure as shit not throwing away her offer to help. 

He slips into the main office, flashes a brief smile to Martha’s office boy, Smith or something he had no idea honestly, and grabs the stack of documents from his mailbox, all neatly banded together. Alex has to grin when he sees all the colored sticky tabs and notes. God he loved Martha Washington.

Alexander tucks the packet under his arm, balances its weight with all his other things and heads back out the door. He needed to drop by his office, check his email and appointments before heading out to the enclosures for the day. Couldn’t leave the kitties without breakfast after all. 

Alexander barely makes it two steps out of the office before a sharp call of “Hamilton!” reaches his ears. The voice is not one that Alexander is all too familiar with on a personal level, but it’s definitely one he knows. He swallows back a sigh and forces himself to turn around, facing the incoming arrival of none other than Dr. Benjamin Franklin coming up the path to meet him. Breakfast would have to wait.

“Morning, Dr. Franklin,” Alexander manages a smile for the man, shifting the strap of his messenger bag on his shoulder, trying to seem upbeat and cheerful, if only for the sake of appearances. It’s not often that Alexander found himself locked in one on one conversation with the man. He knew of him, sure, admired his genius and all the work he did for the zoo and the aquatics program, and John adored him, but Alexander personally never had much reason to spend time with him outside of their brief brushes at work on a given day. 

Franklin had only an inch of height on Alexander, but the man carried himself with a looming confidence that made it seemed as he towered above all else. Alex felt particularly small for some reason as the man, one of Washington’s main partners in operating the zoo, comes to a stop before him.

“Good morning to you as well, my boy,” Franklin returns the smile warmly, eyes twinkling with the sincerity of the action as he stops before him. His lab coat was already damp at the sleeves, Alexander could smell the saltwater coming off him in thick waves. “I’m glad I caught you.”

“What can I do for you sir?” 

“I just wanted to ask you a quick question about John,” Franklin reaches up to fiddle with his glasses, slipping them off his face to clean them, clear blue eyes immediately settling into a squint as he surveyed Alexander over. “I know you two are partners, not much of a secret” he chuckles, smiling again, only to sober a moment later. “I knew you would be the best person to ask.”

“Ask what, sir?”

“Was he alright last night?”

Alexander blinks in surprise at the bluntness of the question. Was John alright? “I-- I’m sorry sir?” Where on earth had that come from? How could Franklin have known about John’s foul mood from the night before. Did he know what caused it? Hell, had this man himself been the trigger? John usually got on so well with his boss, so Alexander doubted it but still--

“He left here in quite a state,” Franklin sighs, shaking his head, capturing Alexander’s full attention. “Nothing to be done about it… truly quite a sad thing, but nothing John could have done to prevent. I was worried about him when he left.” He looks up to meet Alexander’s gaze, eyes sharp, searching. “He seems alright this morning, if a little quiet. I was curious as to how he was last night.”

“Last night…” Last night John was quiet, had shown up to the bar and took a seat with little said in greeting for any of them, had kept his gaze down, let the conversation wash over him like a wave, had reached for Alexander’s hand under the table without a word and held on like he needed a lifeline. Last night he’d snapped like anworn elastic and gripped his fists tight and left alone.

Something happened last night. Something John was blaming himself for. 

Something John hadn’t told him about. 

“I uh…” Alexander hugs the papers in his arms a little tighter to his chest, clearing his throat, shifting uncomfortably before the older man. He didn’t like that there was something about his John that he didn’t know, definitely didn’t like that it was something that John’s goddamned boss knew before he did. “I don’t know if John would feel comfortable with me discussing our private life, sir…” The words are bullshit, the weakest cover for not actually knowing what the fuck is up with his boyfriend, but like hell he’s going to admit that to anyone. He must be visibly unsettled enough that Franklin notices.

“Of course,” Franklin nods, offering Alexander an apologetic smile, chastised and sincere. Shame burrows hot in Alexander’s chest as the lie is bought, but he forces a smile in return. “I didn’t mean to intrude, I understand wanting one’s privacy. I was just concerned. John is one of my best, after all.”

“I appreciate the concern, Dr. Franklin,” Alexander offers this honestly, smile a little more genuine. “I really do, and I’m sure John does as well.” 

Franklin fixes his glasses back on the bridge of his nose, and claps him heartily on the shoulder, the heavy force of his hand nearly sending Alex’s knees buckling. “He’s lucky to have you, son,” Franklin’s smile is fond. He pulls his hand away and straightens up. “Let me know if I can help with any of this pesky budgeting that’s going around. I’d be happy to lend a hand.”

“I--Thank you, sir,” Alexander stutters over his words, shame burning hot again. John’s lucky to have you.  _ Yeah real lucky,  _ Alexander thinks to himself bitterly.  _ Can’t even be honest with me about what’s wrong, but tells his boss? Awesome. _ The smile on his lips feels fragile as he excuses himself from the conversation, Franklin lets him go happily. 

Alexander paces away, heads on the path toward his office, mind racing. What the hell was going on? What could have possibly happened for Franklin to come to him asking after John in concern? Was John okay? What hadn’t he told him?  _ Why _ hadn’t he told him? The questions race and build, stumbling over each other, fighting for dominance at the forefront of his mind.

He fumbles with his office key, juggles the heavy weight of his papers as he slips inside and tries to fucking breathe. The papers, so neatly organized by Martha, spill out over his desk as he sets them down. Alexander can’t be bothered to care at the moment.

Alexander combs through the snapshots from the night before again, tries to figure out what could have been the problem. John flashing him the barest of smiles, letting white lies darken his pretty lips. “I’m fine,” he’d said. “I’m fine, I needed air, I’m fine”, and none of it was true. John frowning, looking close to tears, frustration burning hot in his eyes and tension crackling off him like embers from flame. 

“Goddamit John,” he mutters, shaking his head as he lets his body crumple into his chair. “Why didn’t you just tell me what was fucking wrong?”

“Maybe he didn’t have the words.” 

Alexander jumps in surprise at the sound of Lafayette’s voice floating into the room. For just a moment he’s sure he’s lost it, gone completely off his rocker and is hallucinating his friend in place of his subconscious now. The moment passes when he realizes that Laf is leaning in against the doorframe, arms crossed loosely over his chest. 

“Thanks for the commentary. What do you want, Laf? I’m kind of dealing with some shit,” Alexander waves a hand over the papers that now litter his desk, hoping Lafayette will take pity on him. He just needs to figure out what was going on with John and get through the day. He could fix it, or atleast try to, if he only had time. “Can it wait?”

“Non,” Lafayette pushes off the door, saunters into the room with a swing to his hips that used to distract Alexander endlessly. “It’s about John. Have you seen him today?” 

“No. Have you? Is he okay?” Alex frowns, hears the worry in his voice come far sharper than he intends it too. He sits straighter in his chair as Laf leans against the edge of his desk. “Do you know what’s going on? Franklin ambushed me this morning and I’m so fucking confused.”

“I’ve only heard bits and pieces,” Lafayette sighs, arms crossing over his chest. He’s quiet for a long moment, and when he speaks, his voice is soft. “One of the dolphins died last night.”

“What?” Alexander goes straight and still in his chair, dread trickling down his spine.

“Yeah,” Lafayette’s voice is heavy. “One of the cows, the one that just gave birth? She bled out in her tank…” He rubs a hand over his face, looking drawn and tired. They all knew how rough it was to lose of the animals. Fucking sucked. 

“Oh shit,” Alexander pushes up from his seat, leans all his weight into his palms for support, pressing into the cool wood of his desk. He hangs his head, shoulder heaving with the sigh wrung deep from his lungs. “Shit that-- Makes sense. Franklin was saying…” Alexander looks up to meet Lafayette’s gaze. “No wonder John was off last night. Finding that out had to have-”

“He did more than find it out if the intern I overheard talking is to be believed,” Laf’s lips twist into a grimace, unpretty and raw. Alexander frowns, head tilting in confusion, questions bubbling at his lips barely formed before they’re silenced with answers. “According to him John was trying to treat her when she died. She bled out in his arms.”

“Fuck,” The word falls from Alex’s lips, and somehow it’s packed with a thousand more things unsaid. “Fuck.” 

“No wonder he was so quiet,” Lafayette pushes off the desk, standing tall at Alexander’s side. “Our Laurens was probably wracked with grief. You know how he is.”

He does. Better than anyone else. 

Alexander knows the way John throws himself into work, determined to be the best, to be the very best version of himself he can be, without understanding how amazing he already was without even doing anything. Smart, brilliant, passionate John, beautiful John, Alexander’s John-

John whose father beat into him how broken he was for years, how he would never be good enough, how he would never be worthy of the Laurens name, would never be worthy of love… Oh John.

“It was guilt,” Alexander corrects, voice quiet, carding a hand roughly through his hair. “John… he’ll blame himself. He- That’s why he was so fucking-” A shake of his head and then Alexander is on the move, pushing past his friend and tripping over a stack of files on the floor on the way to the door. “I gotta find him.”

“What,  _ now _ ?”

“Of course now!” He snaps back at Lafayette, pausing with his hand on the door. “I need to check on him!” Needs to be there for him when he failed so spectacularly the night before. “I need-”

“What you need to do is remember where you are,” Lafayette arches a sculpted brow, calm. He hasn’t even moved from his spot at the desk. “Where are we right now Alexander?”

Alexander glares back at his friend. “I’m not a child. Don't talk to me like one.”

“That does not answer my question, _mon petit lion_.” Lafayette smiles, saccharine and sweet. "Now where are we?"

“We’re in my office,” He spits the words into the space between them, his hand going tighter on the door handle. Tension settles high in his shoulders. Knowing now that John was hurting so badly, that he had to be sinking himself deep into a pit of grief and ill placed blame made every second away from him a painful eternity. “We’re at work. And John-”

“Would not appreciate you making a scene,” Lafayette paces toward him now, graceful in every way Alexander never was, stepping over the hazards of files and navigating the way toward the door. He lays a friendly hand on Alexander’s shoulder and smiles again, tinged more genuinely now. “You know this. You on the warpath to find him will only make things worse. You must wait, _cher_.”   
  
“Laf-”

“You know I’m right,” Lafayette trills, patting Alexander’s cheek in what should have been a condescending way. “John will be fine through lunch, Alexander. Gather your patience, go cuddle the cubs, roll around with _les chats_. Distract yourself.”

“And if I don’t?” Alexander challenges, meeting Lafayette’s gaze head on, chin tilting up, defiant and stubborn. He wants to see John, has to know if he’s okay. The longer that he’s away from him the more he can feel sour guilt drip like lead into his gut. 

He shouldn’t have let his temper get the best of him, should have swallowed back his feelings when he saw that John was- but no. No that wasn’t right. John should have been honest and told him… but they… Alexander wants to close his eyes and bash his head into a wall. There was no black and white, no right or wrong, no simple answer. This whole mess was so fucking complicated and he just-- just needs to work it out with John but Lafayette wasn’t budging and--

“Then I have no problem tying you up here in your office and gathering your interns to do all your hands on work if you will not behave,” Lafayette shrugs focusing Alexander’s attention again. His hand goes tighter on Alexander's shoulder. “Do you really want to test me, Alexander?” 

“Lafayette I'm a grown ass man. I don't need you to-” His protests die quick on his tongue a Lafayette’s eyes go sharp in an instant. 

“ _ Vous arrêtez de parler si vous savez ce qui est bon pour vous _ !” Alexander flinches back under the sharp reprimand like a whip crack and Lafayette’s sigh is soft. “Alex…  I only want what’s best for you and John, and you know as well as I do that you running off to find him now will only dig the hole deeper.”

Alexander glares at his friend, holds it steady for a few solid moments before he lets his hand go slack on the door. He’s right, fuck, he’s so right. John would go tense and quiet in public, would shrink down and box Alexander out even more unless they were alone. Fuck. “I hate you.”

“Lies and slander,” Lafayette pats his cheek again, leaning down to press a fond kiss to the top of Alexander’s head. “You’ll thank me later, _petit lion,_ when you have used this time to gather the pretty words you need for John.”

“I need more than that,” Alexander murmurs, leaning back against the door, head hitting the surface with a heavy thunk.

How on earth was he going to fix this?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Relationships are hard. Fighting isn't fun. Forgiveness though... that might just make it worth it.

Tracking down his boyfriend shouldn’t be this fucking hard. 

The zoo was small, as far vast compounds that house various and sometimes dangerous animals go, and there weren’t many places to hide out. There were a few employee only areas, there were the personal and departmental offices spread out around the park, and there were the exhibits and enclosures. Generally it was a rather open space, and there were only a few places that John was likely to go to hide out. And Alexander couldn’t fucking find him anywhere. 

In between his duties and sending his interns scrambling to cover what couldn’t be bothered to handle Alexander had scoured the whole of the compound looking for John. He needed to see him, if not talk to him, needed to know he was okay, that they were okay, even if the time for a real conversation would have to wait until later. But John was nowhere to be found. 

Needless to say he was worried. 

“You need to relax,” Eliza tries to soothe, pressing a snugly little panther cub into his arms as a form of distraction in the med bay after lunch. She’s listened to the whole affair, calm and quiet, indulging him in his worries and letting him pace and vent while going about her usual veterinary business. Eliza was truly the greatest, both as a personal friend and as the zoo’s head veterinary technician. “John probably needs the space, and you losing your head while at work isn’t going to do anything to help.”

“I really fucked up here, Liza,” Alex sighs. He looks down at the little darling in his arms, manages a small smile as the panther, a beautiful baby girl he had yet to name, yawns in his arms, head butting against his chin. “I really hurt him.”

“You both fucked up,” Eliza corrects, turning away in order to rummage through a kit on her desk. A hot flare of anger ignites in Alexander’s chest at the insinuation of John having done anything wrong. Hadn’t she been listening?

“John didn’t-”

“Didn’t tell you what happened or that he was upset, let things settle wrong and then you both blew up in a fight and went to bed separate and angry,” When she turns back around it’s with a roll of gauze and some medical tape. “That’s what John did and didn’t do. Give me her paw.”

Alexander frowns at her, gently maneuvering the cub so he can offer up the injured paw. Eliza coos softly as the cub tries to flinch back, speaks in calm and gentle tones, gently bandaging up the limb, barely offering Alexander a passing glance. He squirms at her lack of attention.

“Eliza…”

“Look, Alex. I’m going to be straight with you,” Eliza sighs, fingers moving nimbly to create a bandage. “You were an ass from what you told me. You should have paid more attention, shouldn’t have gotten wrapped up in Tom’s petty bullshit, and you should have recognized that what John needed was to go home and be taken care of.” Alexander nods, agreeing wholeheartedly. He should have known, should have done better. John deserved so much better and he- “And John should have been upfront with you that something was wrong, that he was going to be late and he should have told you what he needed and wanted from you.” Eliza looks up at him now, tying off the bandage neatly, fingers moving to pet the cub instead, coaxing the baby into a purr. “You both screwed up in some way shape or form. And I would bet any amount of money that as much as you’re beating yourself up over this, John is doing it twice as hard, because he’s also probably blaming himself for what happened to Peony.”

Alexander winces at the reminder. God poor John, his poor sweet man. There was no doubt in his mind that John was heaping on the blame, doesn’t even want to imagine the mental state he must be lingering in. “I should have-”

“You’re not a mind reader, Alex,” Eliza holds up a hand to cut him off. “And I will not have you stand here polluting my clinic with negativity, even self inflicted bouts of it.”

“But-”

“No buts, Alexander,” Eliza fixes him with a stern arch of one immaculate brow, arms crossing in front of her chest. “Snap out of it, you’re smarter than this. You know what John needs from you and what  _ you _ need from you. Space and time.”

As much as he hated to admit it, she was right. As usual. He knows that she’s right as much as Lafayette was right when he too cautioned patience just hours before. He knows they’re right and that he needs to wait until later, until they’re home, but the sour mix of guilt and shame weighs heavy in his gut. There was nothing he hated more than to think that his John was hurting and that he was the cause of it in any way. 

“Alexander.” Eliza’s voice is sharp and it brings him back to focus like little else can. He blinks at her, meets her dark eyes with his own. “You going to say anything?”

“I don’t…” Alexander falters, frowns. “I can’t just let this be.”

“Alex-”

“I’m not going to try to hash things out with him,” Alexander drops his gaze, looks down again at the cub, shifts the warm weight of her in his arms. Maybe he’d name her Lily. Sweet little cub, named after a sweet little flower, seemed fitting. “Not right now anyway. You’re right, it wouldn’t be fair or right to do it here… let alone how unprofessional it’d be. But I just--I need to see him. I need to know he’s okay.” He manages a small smile as the cub licks at his chin, the scratch of her tongue barely more than a tickle. “I just want to tell him that I love him.”

“Oh Alexander. John knows you love him,” Eliza sighs, her arms unwinding and relaxing. A gentle hand curls at his shoulder. “He could never doubt that.”

“I still want to tell him,” Alexander, shrugs a shoulder, the one she’s not currently touching. “We haven’t slept apart in months. I miss him. I love him. I just-” he sighs. 

“So then go find him,” She smiles now, squeezing his shoulder, drawing his gaze back up to meet her own. “Leave the little one here with me-”

“Lily.”

“Fine, leave Lily here with me, and go find John.” Eliza starts to ease Lily, he really does like the name, from his arms and had it been anyone else Alexander would have resisted. Eliza was one of the only people in the world he trusted with his animals without question. She coos sweetly to the cub, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. Lily rumbles her approval, curling up in Eliza’s embrace without hesitation. 

“I’ve looked everywhere for him. If he’s actively trying to avoid me and everyone else. which you know he is, then I’m not going to be able to track him down.”

“You know him better than anyone,” Eliza shrugs, carrying Lily over to the examination table in the center of her clinic. She sets down the cub, letting her test her weight on the newly bandaged paw. Alex watches carefully, hovering just for a moment. It earns him a soft, indulgent smile from Eliza, another gentle hand resting on his arm. “Think about it. Where do you think he would be after everything that happened?”

“I already checked the otters and the turtles,” His voice is just bordering on a whine. “Those were the first places I looked after his office!” 

“You’re assuming that he would be trying to cheer himself up,” Eliza smiles again, looking endlessly fond as she does so. Her fingers tap lightly on the curve of his arm before pulling away. “We both know that’s not what he’s doing right now. John’s probably beating himself up about this just as much as you are, because that’s just the way you guys operate.” She shakes her head, amused. “Honestly you’re stupidly perfect for each other.”

“So where-” Alexander cuts himself, off, physically straightens up as suddenly everything clicks. Of course. Of course! He knows exactly where John would be. “Eliza I fucking love you!” 

She laughs, delighted, the sound high like wind chimes, braces herself with her hands curling over his biceps as Alexander leans in to press an enthusiastic kiss to her forehead. “Alexander!” 

“You’re the best, I love you, I gotta go!” Alexander grins, practically beams at her, backing away, nearly tripping over his feet towards the door. “Bother my interns if you need help with Lily, bye!” Her laugh is the chorus to his departure.

The aquarium is about a ten minute walk from the clinic center, but only about a four minute sprint, as Alexander discovers. He also discovers that he should maybe start joining John on jogs through their neighborhood, if the way his lungs are burning as he pushes through the employee entrance is any indicator of just how out of shape he must be. 

“Fucking hell,” he groans. It’s really all he can do to not just keel over gasping the moment he gets into the air conditioned back hallways, but he definitely spends a few minutes bent over, hands resting heavily on his knees, trying to get his breath back, effectively wasting whatever time he saved by running. 

The minute he feels like he’s not about to die, Alexander is moving again, speed walking through the halls, mentally mapping out the behind the scenes labyrinth of the aquarium. He passes by the offices, risk a moment to peek inside of John’s again, not that he really expects to see anything other than the empty desk he finds. 

“Worth a shot,” he murmurs, continuing up the hall, reaching up to pull the hair tie loose from his now mess of a ponytail, hastily throwing his hair back up just to get it off his neck and attempt to look at least somewhat good for when he sees John again.

If John will even want to see him… 

No. Stop. Not helping. Alexander gives a shake of his head as he turns a corner, shaking the intrusive thoughts from his focus before they can further sour an already complicated situation. God fuck this, he just wanted to find John. 

He turns another corner and finally,  _ finally _ , finds himself right where he wants to be. 

Alexander walks through the rows of tanks, carefully examining each one he passes by. Most were empty, clean and ready if there was need for them to give an animal a temporary home before they were phased into the general public habitats. His footsteps echo softly as he walks, bouncing off the glass of the tanks. 

For a moment he fears that he’s alone, that he was wrong to think John might be here, when he gets to one of the tanks further down the line, and hears a soft, tired voice, one he would know anywhere.

John. 

Alexander bites his lip, hesitating for just a moment before gripping tight to the ladder at the side of the tank, climbing upward. It’s not a very large tank overall, it doesn’t take him very long to get to the top. He can hear John talking, but he can’t quite make out what’s being said just yet, or who he might be talking to. The soft tone of his voice is gentle and so familiar, it stirs an ache low in Alexander’s chest, makes him climb faster, hand over hand, feet almost slipping on the damp metal rungs. Stupid sneakers.    


John sits on the edge of the platform that edges around the tank, legs submerged in the water. He’s dressed only in a wet suit, soaked curls plastered flat to his head, a hand trailing into the calm surface of the water, moving idly over the sleek back of a young dolphin calf who is hovering around for his attention. 

“You should hate me,” John mutters to the dolphin, oblivious to Alexander’s presence as he reaches the top of the ladder. “I couldn’t save her, and now you’re without a mother…” He laughs softly, a low broken little thing. “I’m used to being a fuck-up, but I’ve never done something this bad before.” 

The dolphin chitters softly, nudges his head against John’s hand. It coaxes a small smile out of John, sad like his eyes. His fingers shake against the touch, his whole body tense. There’s nothing about the image that doesn’t break Alexander’s heart. His poor John. 

“I should have done something more,” John mutters, eyes downcast. “There has to be something else I could have done. You both deserve more…” He leans forward, back bowing low as he moves his hand lower along the calf’s side, managing another small smile when the dolphin rolls over onto his back, displaying his belly for pets and attention. 

Alexander’s grip tightens on the cold metal of the ladder rungs. It’s been a long time since he’s seen John even close to this upset. He was usually such a bright personality, sometimes prone to sarcasm and snark, but so endlessly warm and passionate for all things in life. It’s just one of the many things that Alexander loves about him so much, how he takes on life with a zeal that so closely matches his own. In the wake of that it’s almost easy to forget how prone to depression John can be, how quickly he forgets all the things in life that he loves and all the people that love him in return. He was so down on himself, so needlessly unforgiving and harsh. 

“You’re being too hard on yourself,” Alexander speaks up, unable to let this go on any longer. It physically pained him to see John so upset. He just wanted to make it better. John startles at his voice, nearly falls into the tank and startles the calf, sends the baby swimming and splashing further out into the pool. John clings to the edge of the platform, newly soaked and openly shocked to see him.

“Alex?! W-what are you doing here?” John asks, wide eyed, shoving his dripping wet curls out of his face. For a moment the light reflecting off the water hits him just perfectly, highlights the carved arch of his cheekbones, the sharp line of his jaw, and his eyes are the most beautiful green in this light. Water runs down his face, clings to the fan of his lashes, pools in the hollow of his cupid’s bow. He’s beautiful, stunning, and Alexander’s heart stutters at the mere sight of him.  

“God I love you,” the words slip past his lips before he has any way to stop them, and frankly he doesn’t really care. This is the last thing John expects from the way his jaw drops open a little, eyes widening further. 

“Alex-”

“No, shut up,” Alexander pulls himself up onto the platform fully, closing the distance between them, unwilling to let another heartbeat go past without John at his side. He sits down, carefully crossing his legs under him so he can sit as close without risking falling into the pool. Water seeps into his shorts, soaking through the fabric immediately. It’s cold, but he doesn’t care. “Just- I love you. Had to let you know.

John watches him, wide eyed and wary, holds himself stiff and uncertain. “I… I know you love me,” he says, words coming slow, syllables pressing together, the slightest hint of the accent he’s spent years swallowing peeking it’s way out. “I love you too.” 

Alexander hums, letting the words wash over him, soothe at the anxiety that’s been climbing higher as the day went on. It doesn’t wash away completely, but it calms. John’s here, he’s at his side. That enough is a balm against any injury the world could throw at him. 

They sit side by side, neither saying anything. John turns back to face the water, hands curling around the edge of the platform. He holds himself tense, his brow furrowed thick with lines. Alexander watches from the corner of his eye. The only sound is the soft clicks and whistles of the baby dolphin, the gentle splash of his tail against the water. 

Alexander doesn’t know how much time passes between them, just sitting in silence before he covers one of John’s hands with his own. He keeps the touch light, barely there, barely more than a reminder that he’s there. John’s hand twitches under his own, curling tighter at the platform’s edge. It has to be cutting into his palm, can’t be comfortable. Alex is about to say something, when all at once John relaxes his grip, letting gaps ease between his fingers for Alexander’s own to fit through. 

“Are you alright?” Alex asks, shifting closer, his knee just brushing against John’s hip. John closes his eyes, shakes his head, just once, sharp and stagnant. Alex bites on his lower lip, hesitant. “Why didn’t you tell me? About Peony?”

“I thought I could handle it,” John doesn’t look at him, doesn’t open his eyes. “Get through a few hours and then we’d go home and I could tell you then. You were already upset with me-”

“Because I didn’t know, John,” Alex frowns, gives the hand under his own a squeeze, firm and insistent. “Hey, look at me.” John sighs, but he complies all the same, letting beautiful hazel (more brown than green now, but still gorgeous) flicker to the side to focus on him. “I was upset because I didn’t know where you were. I thought you were ignoring me and I didn’t know why. I wouldn't have been upset if you needed to not go out last night… You know you can tell me anything. I would do anything to try to make you happy.”

“Not last night,” The words come in a rush, and the way John immediately looks away tells him that they weren’t supposed to have been heard. Guilt prickles hot and sharp in his gut again.

“I was hurt and confused,” Alexander traces his thumb along the outside of John’s hand, up the side of his pinky, lets his nail trace over the joints of his knuckles. “I was pissed that you were late and hadn’t said anything, and I knew something was wrong when you walked in and I couldn’t understand why you weren’t telling me.”

“I just- I couldn’t, I’m sorry, I just-”

“No I get it now,” Alexander shakes his head, frowning. “John I get it, I do. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I acted, and I’m sorry I made things worse.”

“You didn’t-”

“I did,” Alex nudges him gently. “Don’t lie. I made it worse.” John says nothing, Alexander swallows back a sigh. He goes to pull his hand back, give John some space, but the moment he start to move John grabs his hand to stop him. 

“Don’t go,” He mutters, holding on tight. “I don’t… I don’t want you to go. I’m sorry I-”

“Why are you apologizing, I don’t get-”

“Stop cutting me off Alex!” Alexander snaps his mouth shut, afraid he’s overstepped, afraid he’s made things worse again. John sounds more exasperated than annoyed though, and when Alexander looks to his face he’s surprised to see that John is smiling. A small, tired little thing, but it’s a smile all the same. 

“Sorry,” Alexander says, a smile spreading at his own lips in return. He shifts his hand in John’s grip, threads their fingers together. John shakes his head, looking more fond than anything else, and he raises their joined hands so he can brush a gentle kiss to the back of Alex’s hand. A warm blush sparks at his cheeks and Alex looks away, just for a moment, feeling all the world like a stupid giddy teen again. 

“You gonna let me talk now?” John asks, arching a brow. Alexander looks him over, from his frizzy, slow drying curls to the still present sadness in his eyes. He nods mutely, giving John’s hand a squeeze. John’s lips curl up in another smile, and then he sighs, his whole body heaving with it. 

“I feel like I really fucked up here,” He starts, focusing his gaze down at their intertwined hands, zeroing in on that and nothing else. “With Peony last night. With you. And it’s so- so stupid, you know? Because I know that it’s not that easy and I want to scream because I’m not- I don’t like feeling like this, I fucking hate it and it’s so fucking stupid!” His jaw clenches, goes tight and even more defined. “It… it makes  _ me _ feel stupid. And not like myself. Like I’m still that scared, pathetic teenager cowering from Daddy every second of every day and I don't-” John cuts himself off this time, frowning, frustrated. 

Alexander smooths his thumb along the back of his pinky again, slow and careful, repeating a simple horizontal pattern along his lover’s skin, murmuring his name is a soft, sweet tone, a gentle reminder that he’s here, that he loves him, that his father doesn’t matter, never has never will. 

John takes a deep breath, calming himself back down before continuing. “I blame myself for her death. You’re gonna tell me I shouldn’t, and we both know it won’t matter.” He sighs, lips quirking to the side, almost a scowl. “And I… Okay. So logically I know I couldn’t have done anything, especially after looking at the autopsy this morning. It was too late to help her by the time I got to the tank. But I still feel like I should have done something, done anything to save her.”

Alexander chokes back the words he wants to say. John needs this time to talk, he knows that, knows that interrupting now might make John lose his words and there is nothing his Laurens needs more than to let it all out. 

“And then there’s you,” John looks to him, pulls their hands to rest in his lap as he shifts, facing Alexander head on. “Last night all I wanted was for you to take me home and hold me and tell me it wasn’t my fault. But we didn’t get to do that.”

“You didn’t come home,” Alexander can’t help but say it. Because that hurt, more than everything he felt yesterday and all the things they said in anger, waking up alone. “You said you were going home. I thought that meant my place... _our_ place and then you just didn't-”

“You said you didn’t care what I did,” John reminds him, rather harshly. Alexander flinches, drops his gaze. 

“Guess I deserved that,” Alexander murmurs, swallowing hard around the new ball of guilt in his throat, now mixed heavily with bitter regret. “I’m sorry for that, for everything I said.”

“I know,” As sharp as the previous words had been, these were endlessly warm. Alexander was going to get fucking whiplash from how fast the pace kept changing. “I didn’t want to fight anymore,” John continues as he shifts, creating ripples across the surface of the water as his legs disrupt the calm. “I was tired, I was hurt, and honestly I was really annoyed that you weren’t getting it.”

“How the hell was I supposed to-”

“-And that wasn’t fair of me,” John finishes, raising his voice a bit so he could more effectively be heard. Alexander feels his face flush warm, and he promptly stops talking. “Just like it wasn’t fair of you to keep jumping down my throat even though you knew I was upset.”

“You’re right,” Alexander squeezes John’s hand, nodding. There’s no big revelation, no need for it. John’s right here, plain and simple. “I’m sorry. I should have reacted differently, should’ve taken a step back. And I’m sorry I didn’t.”

“And I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest about what was wrong,” John smiles at him, small and careful still, clearly still feeling a little vulnerable after everything. “You were right last night. We need to keep an open and honest dialogue and I let myself get too caught up in my own head to do that.”

“You know me being right about that doesn’t invalidate how you were feeling, right?” Alexander arches a brow at him, hoping it has even a fraction of the same effect on John that it does when Eliza uses it on him. “Because it doesn’t. You had a shitty night, and I definitely didn’t help.”

“I feel like we’re talking in circles,” John laughs, a short chuckle, his curls bouncing when he shakes his head. “Are you still mad at me?”

“No,” Alexander scooches himself closer to him, pressing them together so their directly side by side. “Of course I’m not. I stopped being mad before I even got home last night.” What Alex almost says is that he wanted to tell John that last night, but that would be nothing but petty and he didn't want to hurt John anymore. He can feel the damp chill from John’s wet suit through his clothes, relishes in it. John sighs and leans against him, head resting against his own. “Are… are you still mad at me?”

“I wasn’t really mad,” John mutters. “I was a lot of things. But mad wasn’t one of them.” 

“Good,” Alexander smiles, turning his head to press a kiss to John’s temple. Silence falls between them, settling comfortable and warm like a blanket. He hates to break the moment, but the way that he can feel John shaking, ever so slightly, at his side prompts him to say, “Are you alright, John?”

There’s another silence, long enough that Alexander thinks he should clarify, when John sucks in a breath, shaky and unsure, followed by a whispered, “No.” John moves against him, tucks his face into Alexander’s neck. His breath is warm over Alex’s skin, and his shoulders are shaking. 

“Oh babe,” Alexander lets go of his hand, pulling him fully into his arms instead, almost gathering John into his lap as he starts to cry. Tears fall hot onto his skin and John feels fragile in their embrace. “John, sweetheart.”

“I’m being stupid,” his fingers curl tight in Alexander’s shift collar, voice broken between quiet, hitching sobs. “I can’t help but feel so fucking sad!”

“You’re not stupid,” Alexander soothes, rubbing one hand over John’s back while the other tangles into his dark and messy curls. “You lost one of the animals you raised. That’s always hard, baby. It’s okay to be upset.” 

“Still,” John murmurs, barely more than whispering at this point, Alexander has to strain to hear him. He feels so helpless as John continues to cry, holds him tight. Every hitch in his breath, every shake and sob hurts like a physical blow and Alex knows that this is all he can do for his dear boy while they were still at work. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Alexander whispers, pressing a kiss to John’s cheek, combing his fingers gently through John’s hair. “Let me take you home, take care of you.”

“What?” John pulls back to look at him, eyes glossy with unshed tears, face glistening with ones that have already fallen. Alexander cups a hand to his cheek, brushes away a few still streaming tears. John leans into the touch even as he’s clearly battling with confusion, an unconscious reaction that makes Alexander’s heart flutter madly. “Alex- it’s barely past lunch, we can’t just leave.”

“I don’t care,” He smiles, tucks John’s hair behind his ear. “We’ll talk to Franklin, I’ll tell Washington whatever I have to, I really don’t care. I just want to get you home.” John blinks at him, eyes wide and shining. 

“But… the budget,” John sinks his teeth into his full lower lip, one hand coming up to curl at Alexander’s wrist. “Alex you can’t go, not with all this going on with your department. I’ll be fine, it doesn’t matter-”

Alexander cuts him off with a kiss, cradling John’s face with both hands now, gentle and yet firm.Their lips meet, it’s soft and simple, tender in a way they so often aren’t, unguarded in the way they always are. John tastes like salt, from the water and from his tears, an interesting accent to the underlying sweetness of all the other kisses they’ve ever shared. 

John is still at first, surprised by the kiss, but it doesn’t take long before he relaxes, going soft and pliant. He parts his lips and Alexander follows his lead while still holding control, slipping his tongue into his mouth. He doesn’t know when he’s closed his eyes, can barely think outside of the feel of John’s kiss and rabbit fast pace of his heart. 

Alex pulls back before he can act on the urge to take it further, to press John down against the platform and peel the wet suit off his body, leave trails of kisses everywhere he can reach, touch and feel and love him until that was all John could think about.

“Don’t you ever think that you don’t come first in my mind,” Alexander whispers, pressing his forehead to John’s, noses brushing. John’s eyes are still closed, his lashes dark smudges fanned out over the freckles sprinkled high on his cheeks. “This is just a job. One that I love, one that I will fight for, but it’s just a job. You, John Laurens, you’re my everything.”

“Alexander,” His name falls from John’s tongue on a sigh, almost a gasp more than anything else. Alex smooths his thumb over the arch of John’s cheek, something he’s done a million times before, something he would fight to get to do every day for the rest of forever. 

“I love you,” Alexander smiles at him, taps lightly under one eye to get John to look at him. He’s graced with gorgeous hazel and his smile only grows. “I love you and I would do anything for you.” He kisses him again, just a brush of their lips before he’s pulling back again. “So let me take you home. Let me give you what you need.”

John gapes at him, lips parted and eyes wide. Alexander thrills in watching color tint his cheeks, a gorgeous red darkening under the constellations of John’s freckles. “Okay,” he says after a few moments silence, breathless and soft. New tears are brimming in his eyes, his grip tighter on Alexander’s wrist. “O-okay, god, yeah. Let’s go home I…” He closes his eyes again, the tears spilling over, a smile blooming shakily at his lips. “I will never be ready to hear you tell me how much you love me.”

“You’d think after years you’d get bored of it,” Alexander teases, chuckling low and soft. John laughs too, the sound bursting forth like he wasn’t ready for it, and he opens his eyes again. The love in his gaze affects Alexander more than words ever could, sends his heart into a frenzy, beating triple time. 

“Never,” John whispers. It sounds like a promise. “I love you too, Alexander.” He’s the one to lean in for a kiss this time, a simple press of their lips and Alex swears they could live in this moment for the rest of their lives. “Let’s go home,” John murmurs against his lips, smiling warm and soft. 

“Let’s go home,” Alexander whispers back, so happy and warm and utterly exhausted now that the emotional rollercoaster seems to be coming to a stop. John pulls back from the kiss and smiles, the first one to reach his eyes yet and finally, Alexander settles. 

He untangles his legs and pushes to his feet, pulling John up with him, groaning as pins and needles rip their way up his calves. John laughs, the sound light and sweet, and slips an arm around his waist to help him stumble over to the ladder.

Alexander leans into the contact and thinks that even with all the shit they just put each other through, all the hurt and confusion, and all that they’re sure to deal with in the future, that nothing could ever be more perfect than this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to me on tumblr! Tell me what else you'd like to see from this AU @secretwritinggetaway.
> 
> Enjoy!


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